Vampire Survival Guide

On Halloween the streets will be littered with vampires and skies filled with bats. If one comes your way, make sure you are prepared. The best way to survive a vampire encounter is to avoid them all together. This is not always easy when they are hiding among regular human folk, but there are a few tell tale signs.

Identification by Appearance

1. Pale Skin

Vampires only come out at night because they cannot stand the sunlight. Whether this is because the sun burns their pale skin, or their pale skin is a result of always being in a dark environment is not clear, but they always shy away from light. If you see anyone walking around floodlights instead of through them, then they might be a vampire.

2. Dark Clothes

Along with pale skin, their gothic appearance is completed by dark (usually black clothing). Remember, not all goths are vampires. The way to tell the difference is not by colour, but by the types of clothes they wear. A goth might wear a t-shirt, jeans, and leather, but vampires are more likely to don waist coats and capes.

3. Sharp Teeth

A vampire's favourite meal is human blood, which they suck from their victims by biting their neck. vampires have developed long sharp fangs to achieve this form of exsanguination.

Identification by Behaviour

1. Well Spoken

Vampires are immortal creatures, and no matter how youthful they look, any vampire you encounter is probably hundreds of years old. As a result, they tend to speak in an archaic manner. These archaic forms are usually very formal, making them very formal and polite. Do not mistake this for kindness, or you could end up on the wrong end of their teeth.

2. Flirtatious

While most creatures of the undead, such as mummies and zombies, are absolutely repulsive, vampires are very alluring. Attractive, lustful, and Romantics at heart, beware if a creature of the night starts to flirt with you.

3. OCD

One fact that many people are unaware of, is that vampires have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. They like things organised and very clean. Look out for any obsessive behaviour.

So now you have identified your vampire. The question now, is what to do about it. If at all possible avoid all contact. If, however, you find yourself unable to escape an encounter, what you need is a Vampire Survival Kit. Here is a list of recommended items:



Garlic

Everyone has some kind of food allergy. For some it's nuts, for others it's milk; with vampires it's garlic. Hang up a string of garlic outside your door to keep them at bay.

Cross & Holy Water

Christians consider vampires unholy creatures. Carry sacred items such as a cross or crucifix is meant to protect you. If they are still too close for comfort, threaten them with holy water (disinfectant spray) as it burns their skin.

N.B. As a note to parents, for safety purposes, it is best to use an empty spray bottle and then fill it with normal water in case of contact with eyes.

Mirror

Another form of identifying a vampire (just to be sure). Vampires do not have a reflection. If you suspect someone of being a vampire, then confirm it by confronting them with a mirror.

Sun Glasses & Black Turtleneck

Going undercover is the best form of defence. Dress like a vampire, and they might think you are one of them. Just in case they don't fall for it, wearing a turtle neck provides protection from bites.

Pumpkin Seeds & Lace-Up Shoes



A vampire's OCD can come in handy. Scatter pumpkin seeds (or any other type of seeds) around you in a defensive circle. The vampire will have to pick them all up before they go any further.



A similar tactic can be used with shoes. Tie up all your lace-up shoes, and a vampire will feel obliged to undo al the knots. Tis gives you time time to make your getaway.



The better you know your enemy, the better equipped you are to defend yourself. Research is key. Read up on expert texts such as Bram Stoker's Dracula or watch some historic films such as Nosferatu. There are also government case studies by Federal Agents working for The X-Files.

N.B. Depending on the age of your child, some of the literature or films may not be suitable.

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